So the saga continues... I feel in many ways my life is split into the dutiful girlfriend at one end and the rebel on the other. Possibly its because I dont totally feel as though my rebellious stage is complete and therefore feel the need to continue with this "give a shit" behavour?? I just find it strange that I seem to be the only one of my friends that experiences this... the others all seem to be getting engaged/married/settled and I find myself living with a man that yes, I'm attracted to... have fun with... care about and I suppose... love, yet I continue to spend my spare time getting involved in dalliances with a married man.
My main concern is that shouldn't I be feeling some form of guilt??? Why don't I care about all the people who could get hurt?? It's not as though I had some form of damaged childhood or have been mistreated by men in the past...well no more than I've mistreated them in any case! I guess I will just have to keep on trying to figure it out for myself... the close friends who know the situation all think i'm clinically insane... maybe I am!!? But in my own mind I'm just having fun.
When I touched on this subject (but not in too much detail) with my mum, she asked
"if you were a person, walking around inside your own head, what kind of surface would it be?"
I quite innocently replied that it would be that pink fluffy carpet that your foot sinks into and encases each toe with every step. Maybe that dillusional and uncorrupted image still exists and I'm still living in a time wharp!!! Just in comparrison, my 45 year old mother saw the surface of her own mind as the sahara desert and had to tip toe to avoid all the cracks in the ground.... please god don't let me end up like that!!!!!
