Is this what they call a "Quarter Life Crisis"?!

Well the end of another weekend... back to the hell hole tomorrow... It's so depressing to be wishing the weeks away but I just can't help it. This is what worries me, I'm 25 and already I'm feeling like this and the sad thing is that I know it's only me who can turn things around and change my life for the better. One day at a time though...!

Had fun with the friends, but as predicted the smugness really got under my skin. However after the wedding album, DVD and honeymoon picture slide show we did have fun and they are so lovely and a brilliant couple. Also as predicted had the constant disease of phone checking, every 2 minutes looking to see if there are any text messages from B...

I keep my phone on silent for messages at all time so to not arouse any suspicion. Last night was very quiet, I get so annoyed when he texts me, I reply and then he doesn't answer me after that... I know he was up to something. I hope that he was just with the wife but I'm so paranoid that what he's doing with me is also being relayed with some other poor girl, who I'm guessing doesn't realise that he's married and actually thinks that he's in love with her. I don't know why it should bother me because I know I have no control or hold over him but somehow it really does get to me.

I really suspect that if he's getting away with our activities then he must be up to more of the same with others???

I'm really wanting to see him at the moment, it seems like so long since we last had any fun together... the constant text teasing is really not enough!!!

I will be spending the weekend with friends... married friends... the worst possible kind!! I'm sure I will spend the whole time wondering how long it takes them to practice the smug look and the "it'll be you two next" comments. Deep down I'll be thinking you sad bastards!!!! I mean don't get me wrong, they are my friends and I love them to death but to me there's so much more to life than being old before your time... no offence intended!!!

I will be constantly checking my phone for messages from B (the married man) and wishing I was out with him instead... at least then I would be excited.. frenzied... charged... ALIVE!!!

Wish me luck........

So the saga continues... I feel in many ways my life is split into the dutiful girlfriend at one end and the rebel on the other. Possibly its because I dont totally feel as though my rebellious stage is complete and therefore feel the need to continue with this "give a shit" behavour?? I just find it strange that I seem to be the only one of my friends that experiences this... the others all seem to be getting engaged/married/settled and I find myself living with a man that yes, I'm attracted to... have fun with... care about and I suppose... love, yet I continue to spend my spare time getting involved in dalliances with a married man.

My main concern is that shouldn't I be feeling some form of guilt??? Why don't I care about all the people who could get hurt?? It's not as though I had some form of damaged childhood or have been mistreated by men in the past...well no more than I've mistreated them in any case! I guess I will just have to keep on trying to figure it out for myself... the close friends who know the situation all think i'm clinically insane... maybe I am!!? But in my own mind I'm just having fun.

When I touched on this subject (but not in too much detail) with my mum, she asked

"if you were a person, walking around inside your own head, what kind of surface would it be?"

I quite innocently replied that it would be that pink fluffy carpet that your foot sinks into and encases each toe with every step. Maybe that dillusional and uncorrupted image still exists and I'm still living in a time wharp!!! Just in comparrison, my 45 year old mother saw the surface of her own mind as the sahara desert and had to tip toe to avoid all the cracks in the ground.... please god don't let me end up like that!!!!!

Having left university, constantly being told that I had the world at my feet I am, 4 years down the line, still feeling somewhat empty and to be totally honest find myself longing not only for the world but also for me to find my own feet and way in life.

The quarterlife crisis (QLC) is apparently a term for "the period of life immediately following the major changes of adolescence, usually ranging from the early twenties to the early thirties". It seems apt to label myself with this at the ripe old age of 25 as I appear to be finding it hard to shift from the care free, sex filled, alcohol induced living of an 18 year old (which I seem to be clinging to with both hands at the moment) and the reliable, sensible and what seems to be dull life of a proper adult.

I assume I'm not alone in this battle of what I feel I "should" be doing and what I "enjoy" doing but without wishing to sound too deep I wonder if I should be starting to care more about the people around me and to be frank... GROW UP slightly!! However I hope to record my activities/dramas/episodes in an attempt to show myself the path I'm taking...