Is this what they call a "Quarter Life Crisis"?!

New Things!!

by niamh83 @ 2008-09-18 – 06:40:13

Wow I haven't written for ages, which is really bad of me. I didn't want to get out of the habit, and especially not so soon!!!

I have signed up for a new degree, this time with the Open University in an attempt to get my mind active again and have some sort of focus rather than worrying about ridiculous things/getting myself into trouble/allowing my mind to turn to mush!!!! So all of my textbooks have arrived today and now I'm actually quite scared...but in a good way I think!

I seem to have so much going on at the moment that I wonder how I'm even going to find the time to do all this studying again but I really do need something to focus on and I think this is the perfect opportunity to start afresh and concentrate on something worthwhile... rather than married men for example!!!

I have a conveyor belt of washing going on at the moment, as the sun appears to be shining I thought it would probably be the only chance to get loads of clothes ready for holiday.. I can't believe that we're going next week. We booked it back in the dark days of January when we really needed a pick up after christmas and all those months later... here we are!! Wondering what colour bikinis to pack and how much money to convert!! Time flies....

B is away on holiday too at the moment and to be honest I'm finding it easier than I expected... I told myself that I wouldn't make any contact with him so that I could practice for when I will be away and phone-less. He has only text me once which has made it easier... but then he did only go yesterday!!!! Oooohhhh must make sure I stay strong and not buckle when I'm bored at the weekend especially!

We'll see...

Weird but Wonderful!

by niamh83 @ 2008-09-11 – 08:47:02

Oooo it's been a few days since I wrote, must make sure I don't get out of the habit. To be honest it's been quite dull though so wouldn't have that much to write anyway!! Today has made up for it though....

Been misbehaving all afternoon with B; I am going to be struggling big time with the next couple of weeks, what with him being away with wifey on holiday... they've only just come back from honeymoon for gods sake surely there's no need for another holiday already!! And then I'm going to be away for two weeks, and to make matters worse, as previously mentioned probably about 100 times, my phone isn't going to be working so wont have any contact at all!!! Ohhhh for the love of god.... hard times ahead!!! I can feel palpatations starting already!! I need to get a grip.

Anyway, we've had a good few hours together this afternoon and i suppose that will have to do us for the next few weeks!!!

In amongst all of this though... the in-laws are coming to stay this weekend which will quite possibly kill me before the long distance yearning in any case so maybe i shouldn't worry too much!! I have no idea what we're going to do to entertain them, where we'll take them, what we'll eat or anything else. I was meant to spend this afternoon cleaning the house in preparation for their arrival but obviously instead I chose to betray their eldest son and dabble with a married man instead.... I'm definitely swaying towards the rebellious 18 year old's lifestyle this week!!

Wow, writing all of this makes me realise how weird my life is... if I'm up to all of this it makes me wonder whats going on behind everyone else's front doors!!! I can't be the only one!!

Weekend Blues

by niamh83 @ 2008-09-07 – 11:58:44

Surely I must have my feelings all messed up, but somehow I'm longing to be back in work now!? It seems to have been a long weekend, I guess it has been nice but because I haven't really done that much it has... dare I say... dragged!!? Maybe it's because I'm counting down the days until my holiday and longing it to be here... but I promised myself I'd never wish my life away.

I've been shopping today, but bought nothing... It was nice to browse all the same though and I went out for lunch with the Boyfriend so that was nice too even though we argued more or less the whole time we were there about when to buy a house and when would be the right time to have kids
As I tried to explain to him... If we're arguing about it then clearly it's not the right time!!! We ended the debate, as always, having to agree to disagree!! We see eye to eye on NOTHING!! But as he said today, it keeps things interesting... I suppose he's right but it's such hard work!!!

At the other end of the scale, B text me all of last night, we agree on everything and have the same self-destructing views!!! I'm sure that a real relationship with someone like that could prove far more dangerous... but a hell of a lot more exciting!!! Anyway, that's never going to happen because of the small issue of the wife!! But I have arranged to see him either Tues or Thurs or both!! I can't wait, it seems to have been ages since we have had any time together. I'm trying not to get too excited because these plans nearly always go pear shaped.. suppose thats the nature of the beast though!!

Bad News...

by niamh83 @ 2008-09-06 – 08:48:50

... I didn't win the Euro Millions!!! Which means back to the grindstone on Monday but hey ho... still have the weekend to play with before then!!!

I went to the cinema this afternoon with a friend and saw Mamma Mia, which to be honest I wasn't really looking forward to that much but I had a pleasant shock. I came out of there almost feeling warm and fuzzy, it was actually a film which made me smile and feel happy in a nice way! Very tongue in cheek but I enjoyed it.

I have to start the final plunge into getting into shape for holiday now, in three weeks time I will be in sunny (hopefully) Mexico and I would like to look like some kind of goddess in a bikini... wishful thinking but nevertheless if I do something about it now then I hope to feel more confident and as far as i'm concerned the more confident you are the more beautiful others will see you!! SO COME ON CONFIDENCE!!! Anyway in an attempt at this I have put new tunes on the ipod in preparation for a run later and rather than buying sweets at the cinema... I bought a coffee and sat drinking that like I can only guess my Nana would while watching a film!!! I've made a start and that's all that matters!!

B has been texting me all day after I sent him a text when I woke up this morning.. apparently it "really got him going" so he's trying to organise borrowing his mate's flat but I have no idea when. Trying to play it as calm as possible... it does him good to realise that I'm not constantly wanting him in any way, shape or form!!! I assume he's at home with wifey this weekend but I've stuck to my usual routine of asking no questions... which gives off a good carefree impression... the problem is I spend the whole time asking myself the questions instead!!!

Anyway it's the weekend... must remain calm and happy!!!! xx

FRIDAY

by niamh83 @ 2008-09-05 – 10:48:24

I'm so so glad that it's Friday, it seems like it has just been the longest week of my life!! Maybe it's because we were treated to a bank holiday last week and its made me greedy!!! I want more of them!!!

Anyway, the boyfriend has gone out drinking with his mates and that leaves me at home to amuse myself and I'm loving it!! It seems ages since I've had the house to myself and I could just do as I please all night!! It really makes me realise how much I enjoy my own company... Got the best night ever planned - a bit of TV, bit of reading, bit of eating!!! Ideal!! I did muse over the idea of having B here but then I decided it was far too risky as wouldn't be too sure of Boyfriends time of arrival back home. Way too big a risk.

I can't wait for this weekend, I don't have any plans but somehow that's what seems to be so appealing!! Plus I have bought a Euro Millions ticket tonight in the hope that I may win the £92 million or whatever ridiculous amount of money it is!! To be quite honest I've always said that I'd never want that kind of money, I'd just like to buy a nice big house, maybe a new car and have a really lovely holiday and travel a lot. I'd still like to work, but it'd be nice not to have to worry about what I earn and just do a job because I enjoy it. Ahhhh living the dream!!! Actually I would like to open a sweet shop.... £92 million would buy a hell of a lot of cola bottles!!! Well my mind can wander..... ahhhhhh!!!

Friends

by niamh83 @ 2008-09-04 – 14:15:38

I went out last night with friends, one I have known for 20 years, the other maybe 15years and we chat and chat all night. It's so nice to catch up and hear whats going on in each others lives and it kind of makes me feel a fraud for worrying so much about my own problems.

One friend has her dream job and is so scared that she's not going to make a success of it that she's paranoid about EVERYTHING. I also fear that she's not eating and the ironic thing is that all of the worrying about work is making her not eat and that could ultimately be the factor which costs her the job... It's such a difficult situation and I really worry about her but at the same time I admire how she strives for success and works so hard... but has her ambition been her downfall???

The other friend is getting married next month and oddly she just doesn't seem that excited/bothered about it!! It appears as though she's going through with it because she thinks this is the route she should take i.e. boyfriend/wedding/house/kids/BOREDOM!!! This is her one and only boyfriend and the thought of marrying someone without experiencing any different fills me with horror... I would so want to be sampling some other delights before settling down with someone for the rest of my life (that of course is the fairytale version anyway!!!)

Speaking of which, B is working away at the moment and apart from late night texts yesterday asking if I would go and stay with him tonight (which I said I couldn't) it has been very quiet really. Think it's probably for the best though, especially as I will be going on holiday in 3 weeks and will then be without my mobile for 2 weeks... don't know how I will cope. That will be the longest time without any contact... HELP!!!! >:(

On the Buses!

by niamh83 @ 2008-09-01 – 12:47:31

Today I did something crazy... got the bus to work! It was a 45min journey and I enjoyed every second of watching the world go by and seeing everyone scurry off to do their thing for the day. Everyone seemed so busy and I constantly wondered where they were going, what they did all day and what really went on behind the closed doors of their homes???? :??:

It was quite a shock to see such activity at 7am... in many ways it gave me a sense of belonging, we were all going about our lives even though each of them are different ultimately we were all experiencing what I see as our mudane routine. Maybe everyone does feel like me... or maybe people actually enjoy this day in day out predictability. Either way, it was an interesting start to the day and immediately my mind was working overtime!!

Other than that I have very little to report...

Puzzled

by niamh83 @ 2008-08-31 – 09:51:51

Well the end of another weekend... back to the hell hole tomorrow... It's so depressing to be wishing the weeks away but I just can't help it. This is what worries me, I'm 25 and already I'm feeling like this and the sad thing is that I know it's only me who can turn things around and change my life for the better. One day at a time though...!

Had fun with the friends, but as predicted the smugness really got under my skin. However after the wedding album, DVD and honeymoon picture slide show we did have fun and they are so lovely and a brilliant couple. Also as predicted had the constant disease of phone checking, every 2 minutes looking to see if there are any text messages from B...

I keep my phone on silent for messages at all time so to not arouse any suspicion. Last night was very quiet, I get so annoyed when he texts me, I reply and then he doesn't answer me after that... I know he was up to something. I hope that he was just with the wife but I'm so paranoid that what he's doing with me is also being relayed with some other poor girl, who I'm guessing doesn't realise that he's married and actually thinks that he's in love with her. I don't know why it should bother me because I know I have no control or hold over him but somehow it really does get to me. :'(

I really suspect that if he's getting away with our activities then he must be up to more of the same with others??? :??:

I'm really wanting to see him at the moment, it seems like so long since we last had any fun together... the constant text teasing is really not enough!!!

Smugness

by niamh83 @ 2008-08-29 – 10:04:30

I will be spending the weekend with friends... married friends... the worst possible kind!! I'm sure I will spend the whole time wondering how long it takes them to practice the smug look and the "it'll be you two next" comments. Deep down I'll be thinking you sad bastards!!!! I mean don't get me wrong, they are my friends and I love them to death but to me there's so much more to life than being old before your time... no offence intended!!!

I will be constantly checking my phone for messages from B (the married man) and wishing I was out with him instead... at least then I would be excited.. frenzied... charged... ALIVE!!!

Wish me luck........

Pink and Fluffy!

by niamh83 @ 2008-08-28 – 06:08:25

So the saga continues... I feel in many ways my life is split into the dutiful girlfriend at one end and the rebel on the other. Possibly its because I dont totally feel as though my rebellious stage is complete and therefore feel the need to continue with this "give a shit" behavour?? I just find it strange that I seem to be the only one of my friends that experiences this... the others all seem to be getting engaged/married/settled and I find myself living with a man that yes, I'm attracted to... have fun with... care about and I suppose... love, yet I continue to spend my spare time getting involved in dalliances with a married man.

My main concern is that shouldn't I be feeling some form of guilt??? Why don't I care about all the people who could get hurt?? It's not as though I had some form of damaged childhood or have been mistreated by men in the past...well no more than I've mistreated them in any case! I guess I will just have to keep on trying to figure it out for myself... the close friends who know the situation all think i'm clinically insane... maybe I am!!? But in my own mind I'm just having fun.

When I touched on this subject (but not in too much detail) with my mum, she asked

"if you were a person, walking around inside your own head, what kind of surface would it be?"

I quite innocently replied that it would be that pink fluffy carpet that your foot sinks into and encases each toe with every step. Maybe that dillusional and uncorrupted image still exists and I'm still living in a time wharp!!! Just in comparrison, my 45 year old mother saw the surface of her own mind as the sahara desert and had to tip toe to avoid all the cracks in the ground.... please god don't let me end up like that!!!!!